Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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