You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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