He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
