woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
