I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
