one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
