He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
