The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Randomize
