Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
