I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
