weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Every concussion has its silver lining
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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