Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
