Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
