I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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