he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
