I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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