Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
