just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize