This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
