I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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