I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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