You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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