Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
