we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
ugly people sure do ruin things
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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