so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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