i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
