You smell like a Billy Joel song
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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