i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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