Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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