I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
