Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
