I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
