we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This is classic penis vs brain.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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