bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
