dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize