seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize