I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
