we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
