I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
