When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
