If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
