well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
