last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
