so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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