every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
