Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
