she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
