you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
