I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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