I accidentally had phone sex last night
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
