Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
