Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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