girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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