i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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