I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
