Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
