dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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