Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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