mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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